How often have you felt that you and perhaps one of the people in your life closest to you are speaking ‘different languages’ - despite both using plain English and spending a lot of time in each other’s presence (perhaps even living together in the case of a spouse?!)
This is not an uncommon phenomenon, and it’s widely recognized that effective communication is one of the cornerstones of successful relationships - both romantic and with others who play a key role in your life (your coworkers, friends, children or extended family members for example).
In this Beginner’s Guide to the 5 Love Languages, I’m going to help you explore the foundations that support successful and effective communication with the people in your life and guide you towards a better understanding of why “we are the way we are”.
What is the 5 Love Languages concept?
You may have heard of the 5 Love Languages. The concept was brought to the fore by author Gary Chapman, in his book - unsurprisingly named The 5 Love Languages.
The overarching basis that the 5 Love Languages is built upon comprises 5 different ways in which people (yes, us humans!) experience and recognise feelings of love from those around us.
The 5 Love Languages concept asserts that all of us connect with at least one primary and one secondary ‘love language’, and that when the people in our lives communicate with us in these particular ways, we are able to perceive and appreciate their feelings of love, gratitude and respect for us very easily.
On the flipside, if our close friends, family and loved ones attempt to display their ‘love’ (NB. the concept of ‘love’ here is not limited to romantic love, but instead to all-encompassing feelings of appreciation, respect, affection or attachment) in their own ‘love language’ - which may not correspond with ours - we find it much more difficult to process these actions or words in the way they are intended.
So what ARE the 5 love languages?
The 5 Love Languages are as follows, and are relatively straightforward to interpret, but here is a beginner’s guide to give you an overview:
1. Words of Affirmation
The basis behind ‘Words of Affirmation’ is quite straightforward - people who speak this love language are generally most fulfilled, empowered and receptive to having encouraging, affectionate words spoken to them, receiving love notes, and they appreciate verbal reminders that they are respected, cared for and appreciated. For example, compliments (“you have such a beautiful smile”), expressions of thanks or appreciation (“I’m so grateful you took care of that chore for me”) and reminders that they are being thought of (“I’m missing you, and can’t wait to see you at the weekend”) fill speakers of this love language with joy.
2. Acts of Service
In this case, actions speak louder than words. People who connect with and speak this love language place a great deal of emphasis on literal ‘actions’ done for them by others to essentially lighten the load. Somebody who speaks this love language will feel a great sense of appreciation, respect and affection when, for example, their spouse goes above and beyond with household chores (without it having been discussed or agreed open previously). For people who speak in the Acts of Service love language, there is no greater expression of love than being helped out by those closest to them.
3. Receiving Gifts
This love language is another pretty self-explanatory one, but it tends to incorrectly be labelled (by those who it doesn’t resonate with) as a form of materialism or shallow-ness. The truth is that speakers of this love language feel most appreciated and treasured when people in their lives have taken time out to create or purchase a thoughtful gift that shows they are being thought of. What matters is not necessarily the value or detail of the gift, but the indication that the giver feels affection enough for the receiver to have purchased or arranged the gift in the first place.
4. Quality Time
They say that there is nothing so precious in this life as time, and speakers of the Quality Time love language will certainly follow that train of thought. They perceive the ultimate act of love and appreciation to be shown by receiving the undivided attention of their loved ones. In our increasingly hectic world, this means truly engaging and listening. It could be a husband putting his family first despite hectic overtime at work, or as simple as leaving your cell phone in your purse when you meet a friend for coffee.
5. Physical Touch
Last but not least - and not to be confused with a sexual or romantic kind of touch - is the importance of physical touch when it comes to expressing appreciation, affection and gratitude. Those who speak this love language show - and receive - love best through expressions such as hugs, the gentle touching of an arm, and thoughtful hand-holding.
What are the benefits of learning about the 5 love languages, knowing your own, and recognising the love languages spoken by those in your life closest to you?
As you can see from the outline of the 5 Love Languages above, different people certainly express love, affection and gratitude in VERY different ways.
Let’s imagine a married couple, Sarah and John. Sarah’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation, whilst John’s is Acts of Service.
Sarah feels an increasing amount of resentment, and as though John just does not appreciate her and their relationship. She is fed up that he never tells her he loves her, or thank her for all the effort she puts in in their home. She begins to dread making dinner, because he never says thank you or compliments her cooking skills.
John, on the other hand, is bemused. Why is Sarah so irritated with him? He just mowed the lawn and painted the garden fence this weekend. He even offered to collect her dry-cleaning on the way home from the office yesterday evening. Why doesn’t she appreciate the things he does for her?!
When you break it down like this, you can begin to see where communication breakdowns happen - not just in marriages or spousal relationships, but between co-workers, friends, and even parent-child relationships.
Understanding your own primary love language is one thing, but recognizing which love languages those around you speak and really exploring how best to communicate and express your feelings to them is absolutely life-changing.
If Sarah could see that John’s yard work was an expression of his love for her and their marital home, and if John could understand that Sarah just wants him to tell her he loves her, so much confusion, resentment and irritability could be avoided.
Are you ready to explore the love languages further, and discover which languages you and your loved ones speak? If so, you’re going to absolutely love the 2-week mini-course I’m running: Relationship Mastery through the 5 Love Languages.
This is your opportunity to equip yourself with the ability to effectively communicate with anybody - no matter what their love language is - and enjoy a lifetime of successful and high quality connections!
Click here to find out more and register for the mini-course - I can’t wait to help you on your journey to Relationship Mastery!
With love and light,
Elvira